


when did reality become tv

by watyonameisgurl



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (you'll see what i mean), M/M, Rated T for language, Reality TV, Sort Of, also everyone’s kind of an asshole in this, but not really, but there's a good reason for it i swear, except liam, implied/past ziall, shit posts, shitty reality shows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 13:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14106291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watyonameisgurl/pseuds/watyonameisgurl
Summary: Wherein the boys go on a trashy daytime reality show hosted by none other than James Corden to sort out their problems.(Or, throw in your favorite boys, James Corden, messy love triangles and cheating scandals, and some dumb shit posts on tumblr and this is what you get)





	when did reality become tv

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 1985 by Bowling for Soup
> 
> Inspired by [that gif from 1D Day where Niall and Zayn look like they’re on some trashy reality show where they’re about to bring out Niall’s side piece](https://yaz-the-spaz.tumblr.com/post/163479786485/idblowharry-champzagne-why-do-they-look-like), except I always imagined the side piece was Liam and when I saw it again on tumblr a while back (like back in like november smdh that’s how long this has been sitting around as a half-finished draft but anyway I digress) I just immediately started thinking about how it would actually play out and just couldn’t stop thinking about it and so this happened and here we are.
> 
> Fyi this is largely (but loosely) based on Jerry Springer which I watched entirely too much of as a kid lol
> 
> TW for racial slurs (nothing actually gets mentioned/said outright at any point, it’s really just a passing reference to them being used) but it’s okay, it’ll all make sense at the end I promise

The crowd boos when Zayn comes around the side entrance and makes his way toward the empty couch next to James. Zayn flips the crowd off as he walks past, glaring at them all sourly as they jeer at him, shoves one of the overeager cameramen away from him with a hand to his lens. It only ends up riling the crowd up even more, makes their boos even louder but he doesn’t really care. He’s mainly only here for the money anyway.

Zayn plops down onto the couch across from Niall smirking at the giant screen behind them. It’s currently frozen on a picture of him taken just outside the studio earlier today by one of the show’s crewmembers. He’s leaned up against a ledge glaring down the camera and he looks damn good if he does say so himself.

“Christ, you’re conceited,” Niall bites out and he’s glaring, arms crossed over his chest but Zayn just turns his smirk on Niall, shrugging.

“Not my fault I’m so fit.”

“Oh _shut up_ you wanker, Jesus Christ, you’re so full of shit.”

The crowd cheers, starting up a chant— _wanker, wanker, wanker_. Zayn just smirks lazily, leaning into the side of the couch.

“Really? That’s all you can do is just sit there and smirk? You know what, fuck you, you piece of shit!” Niall shouts over the noise of the crowd. “I ought to punch that fucking smirk right off your face!”

Niall makes a move as if he actually means to get up and do it but James, who’s sat in a chair between them, throws a hasty hand out and one of the burly security guards steps closer, hovering just behind Niall’s couch ready to step in if necessary.

Niall huffs, sitting back down and crossing his arms like a petulant child and Zayn laughs.

“What’s the matter? Not so tough now that the cameras are rolling? Don’t want anyone to see that you fight like a pussy?”

Niall does stand then, immediately lunging over the small space between them trying to get a hit in. Zayn mirrors him, smirk still firmly in place, but ready for the ensuing brawl. He’s never been one to back down from a fight anyway and this one was bound to happen, inevitable really. In a way he’s been looking forward to it since the moment he agreed to even do the show. But before either of them can even get a proper swing in security is rushing in to pull them apart.

“Oi! Calm down, both of you, or you’ll be off the show!” James shouts over the roar of the crowd.

Zayn relents first, straightening back out his leather jacket and glaring but throwing up his hands to get them to back off of him. Niall keeps fighting them just like Zayn knew he would, struggling against their hold on him, yelling all kinds expletives both at them and at him.

“Oi! I said calm down! Now!” James repeats.

Niall fights for a few more moments, gives one of the guards one last shove and then finally relents in an angry huff, red in the face from all the exertion. Once they’re satisfied that he’s not gonna try anything else they move away, still hovering by the couches until Niall drops back down into his seat sulkily, mouth a thin line.

Zayn follows suit and so does James, looking back and forth between them pointedly.

“Right. Are we good now? Have we got ourselves together?”

Neither of them answer, choosing instead to glare at each other from their respective seats but James soldiers on, suddenly taking on a more calming tone.

“Look, I understand there’s bad blood between you, but you’ll each have a chance to say your piece. That’s why you came on the show in the first place, to work this all out, yeah? So let’s get it all out in the open and clear the air once and for all, alright?”

Niall gives a curt nod. Zayn shrugs.

“Right then,” James continues. “So, let’s rehash a bit of what happened that led you all here, shall we? Now you all were together for four years, have I got that right?”

“Waste of four years of my life if you ask me,” Niall grumbles, arms crossed over his chest once more.

Zayn smirks again. “S’not what you were saying all those times I fucked your brains out—”

“Whoa whoa, alright, let’s try and keep it civil and PG-13 please, can we?” James yells as the crowd erupts into another bout of jeers at Zayn’s callous attitude.

Zayn shrugs, uncaring. He’s not making any promises. He’s got no real reason to censor himself. Doesn’t really see the point knowing they’ll just bleep it out anyway for the viewers at home and it’ll only drive the crowd even more mad. Reckons James is just saying it more out of formality than anything since this is half the reason people even tune into this show anyway.

“Alright, so you were together for four years in what you, Niall, thought was a stable monogamous relationship, yes? But then—”

“ _Then_ I caught this _arsehole_ in _our_ bed fucking some other man and found out he’d been cheating on me almost the _entire fucking time_ we were together with some fucking piece of shite minger!”

The audience boos and jeers some more.

“Language, _please_. Alright, so to recap, according to you, Niall, you two were together for four years in what you believed to be a monogamous relationship until you found out that Zayn had been cheating on you with another man, named Liam, who we also have here today.” He directs the last bit to one of the cameras, waits for Niall’s ensuing nod of confirmation, and then turns to Zayn. “Now, Zayn, do you agree with that relay of events as Niall’s told them, barring the more…explicit details? Or would you like to tell things from your own point of view?”

“No, m’good.”

“Really? You don’t wanna maybe explain why you did what you did? I mean, four years is a long time to be together, you know? Why stay in that relationship if you didn’t really care for Niall?”

Zayn shrugs again, raises his brows at Niall. “Cause he was a good fuck. Why else?”

Yet more boos and curses echo out from the audience in another deafening roar.

James waits until the noise has settled down again to a more reasonable level before he resumes with his questioning. “So to clarify, Zayn, to you this was more just a sexual relationship? You never had, or developed, any romantic feelings towards Niall the entire time you were together?”

“Nope.”

The crowd erupts into a racket again, exclamations of disbelief and disgust making their way across to him, rolling off his shoulders like water. He doesn’t really give a fuck what they think. They don’t know him.

“So, you don’t see anything wrong with the way you treated Niall? You don’t believe that you did anything wrong or unfair in sleeping with another man while you two were together?”

“No.”

More sneers and boos and insults are thrown his way, but he simply ignores it, sits calmly on the couch awaiting James’ next words.

James shakes his head at him, but doesn’t question him further. Instead he turns to the main camera where the man behind it is signaling something to him and speaks directly into it.

“Alright, unfortunately,” James calls over the din, “we’ve got to take a break for adverts, but when we come back you’ll have a chance to hear from The Other Man and get his side of the story.”

An image of Liam all pensive and serious-faced, sitting on the same ledge as Zayn, appears on the large screen behind James and the crowd’s jeers, which had only just started to die down a bit, flare up yet again.

The few minutes of the advert break pass rather quickly and when the show starts rolling again James directs his words once more into the main camera, the same image of Liam flashing up on the screen behind him again.

“Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. If you’ve been following what’s been happening on the show today so far then you’ll know it’s been a rough few weeks for Niall here, his now ex-boyfriend Zayn, and the man you’re about to meet. For those of you just joining us, Niall’s four year relationship with Zayn recently came to an abrupt end after Niall found out that Zayn had been cheating on him nearly the entire time they were together with another man, Liam, who you’ll meet in just a moment, for which Zayn believes he did nothing wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, The Other Man, Liam.” James stretches an arm out toward the side entrance to direct everyone’s attention that way.

The cameras all immediately pan over to that side of the studio to catch Liam making his debut and sure enough he steps out, head ducked, making his way over, cameras pointed eagerly in his direction the whole way. The crowd goes mad as soon as they see him, starting up more shouts and jeers, calling Liam a homewrecker and all sorts of other vile things as he walks past them and settles down on the same couch next to Zayn.

“Alright, so Liam, we’ve heard Niall and Zayn’s sides of the story, why don’t we start by you giving us your version of events. How did you and Zayn end up getting together and how do you feel about what Niall’s had to go through as a result?”

“Well, me and Zayn met at a club. I didn’t know he had a boyfriend. I was just sort of looking for a no-strings-attached sort of thing, you know, like friends with benefits or whatever, so that’s pretty much what we were and we kind of just kept it going I guess.”

“So, your relationship with him was purely sexual? No romantic feelings involved at all?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“So then, when did you find out about Niall?”

Liam shakes his head. “I didn’t. Or at least not till now anyway.”

There’s some collective gasps and sounds of surprise from the audience at this.

“So you’re saying you _never_ knew Zayn had a boyfriend? This whole time?”

“No.” Liam shakes his head again.

“And you never suspected? Nothing ever seemed suspicious at all to you or anything like that? Zayn never acted dodgy or like anything was out of the ordinary at any point or like he might’ve been hiding something?”

“No.”

“You’re a fucking liar! You were in our fucking house!” Niall shouts, moving to get up from his seat even while the security guards rush forward to hold him back. “Who the fuck did you think the Irish flag on our bedroom wall belonged to, huh? Did you think the family photos in the living room were just some random white family he’d befriended?” he yells, fighting ineffectually against the burly arms holding him back, the crowd cheering him on.

“I don’t know,” Liam says, sinking a bit into the couch. “I thought maybe he just liked Ireland and the photos could’ve been anyone.”

The crowd boos, clearly disbelieving—either that or just disapproving of how naïve Liam appears—many of them shaking their heads.

“You’re a fucking idiot! A fucking idiot and an arsehole!” Niall shouts, still pushing and fighting against security.

“Alright, alright, let’s all just try and settle down, yeah?” James cuts in, signaling to the men holding Niall back who shove Niall back down to the couch where he sulks angrily. “We _will_ get to the bottom of this, and everyone will have a chance to say their piece,” James intones, looking at all three of them in a show of sincerity before he turns back to the main camera. “We’ve got take another break now, but…when we come back you’ll hear from mates of Niall and Zayn to get a more objective take on this whole situation.”

The screen behind James lights up again and an image of Harry and Louis appears, a little ways off from the same ledge Zayn and Liam were photographed at. Louis is leaned against Harry, his whole torso pressed up to Harry’s side, elbow and the corner of his jaw pillowed on Harry’s broad shoulder sun shining behind them as they look down the camera calculatingly, brows furrowed as if already in judgment, before the picture fades.

The break goes rather quickly again and when they come back, James goes through another brief recap of what’s happened so far before they bring Harry and Louis out.

There’s a smattering of applause as the crowd seems unsure about how to react to them, not sure yet which side they’re on.

They join Niall on the couch, faces impassive, not giving anything away. That is, until James starts in with his questions.

“I _told_ Niall to stay away from him,” Louis says, sneering at Zayn across the small space between them. “Told him the bloke was dodgy but he wouldn’t fucking listen. The first time we met him was when Niall invited us all on a double date and the arsehole fucking ignored everyone and barely looked up from his phone the entire time and then dipped out on the bill with some story about how he’d lost his wallet.”

Harry doesn’t say anything but his glare is downright murderous.

“Well, Zayn’s made it clear that he believed his and Niall’s relationship wasn’t really romantic in nature. He seems to be under the impression that it was purely sexual and that he hasn’t done anything wrong since it was never made explicit that they were to be monogamous or that Niall wanted more from their relationship. Feelings for him as a person aside, I’m curious to know what you all’s impression was of the relationship as a whole. Were there any particular times that you yourselves witnessed Niall making clear what his intentions were or that he was looking for more than just a sexual relationship?”

“Are you fucking with me?” Louis says, but it’s clearly directed at Zayn and not James as Louis narrows his eyes at Zayn, indignant. “You don’t get a fucking house together with someone you’re just shagging!”

Zayn shrugs. “Dunno, mate, seems to me it makes it a hell of a lot easier to shag, doesn’t it, if you don’t have to keep meeting up places and switching flats back and forth.”

“You’re fucking mental,” Harry says, venom lacing his deep voice as he keeps up with his murderous glare.

“It speaks,” Zayn says sarcastically, raising an eyebrow.

But the snide comment has Louis rearing up from his seat ready to fight and then Niall is up too, Zayn grinning wickedly as he rises to meet their challenge.

“Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit!” Louis yells, Niall echoing much of the same in slightly different words, red in the face again with anger and it all happens so fast that they’re on each other before security even has a chance to do much of anything to stop them.

The three of them kick and scratch and punch at each other, ripping at clothes and hair, elbows and fists and legs flying, Harry jumping up to join the fray the second Zayn gets in a particularly good hit at Louis. Security makes a weak attempt at holding them back at first, letting them persist for ratings’ sake, the audience spurring them on with chants of _fight, fight, fight_ like it’s a school lunchroom, random words of encouragement directed at Niall and Harry and Louis occasionally rising above the rest of the noise. After a little while though security finally puts a bit more effort into springing to action, putting on a bit of a show as if it’s a struggle to break the four of them apart, dwarfed as they all are in comparison to the size and strength of the security guards. But it’s all part of the show and the four of them play along, fighting against the guards’ holds as if they could really ever have a chance of breaking away, until they all put on an air of calming down and are let go.

“Alright,” James says, “there’s _obviously_ some pretty tense feelings all around that need to be worked through. So. Let’s try and see if we can talk this through, shall we, hopefully without anymore violence? Can we do that, guys?”

Zayn shrugs, Harry, Louis, and Niall still glaring, but giving reluctant-looking nods all the same.

Most of the rest of the show is spent with them trying to “talk out their feelings.” Emphasis on most because they end up getting into three more fights, one of which Liam actually joins in on—after a couple of racial slurs get thrown around where he comes to Zayn’s defense—and the crowd goes absolutely wild.

When it’s all over and done with and they’ve all made a show of forgiving each other and working most of their differences out, James thanks them all for coming and praises them for being able to work things out. He thanks the audience and viewers at home for watching and then they’re all being ushered backstage.

“Holy _shit_ , did you hear them when Liam joined the fight?” Zayn laughs.

“I _know_ , Christ, I thought I was going to go deaf! We are _so_ doing this again,” Louis says with a laugh of his own and a sprint down the corridor toward the exit.

Liam giggles as Zayn wraps an arm around him. “You did so good, babe,” Liam says to him, “the crowd _hated_ you.”

“Yeah, and they _loved_ you,” Zayn says with a smile, pressing a quick and sloppy kiss to his cheek. “Well, once you won them over anyway, even though you were the ‘ _homewrecker_.’ I bet we could even pass you off as a serial killer and you’d still find a way to make them love you with your adorable puppy dog eyes.”

“Shut up,” Liam says, shoving at him playfully.

“S’true,” Zayn says with a giggle, watching Harry brace his hands on Niall’s shoulders in front of them and jump onto Niall’s back to press a slobbery kiss to his temple before he’s hopping back down and joining Louis further down the corridor, twining his long limbs around him.

Niall laughs, calling, “Oi, ya wanker!” down the corridor after him but Harry just turns to stick his tongue out at him.

When they all reach the door that leads to the exit Niall turns to them with a wicked grin. “So. What should we do next time?” he says, eyes sparkling mischievously.

“How ‘bout you and me, Nialler?” Harry says, eyes just as mischievous as Niall’s even while he’s still wrapped around Louis like an octupus. “You can be the homewrecker to me and Lou. And we can say it’s because you were upset over Zayn and I was just trying to comfort you but it turned into more and I was too afraid to come clean to Louis after everything else that happened cause I knew how he’d react.”

“Mmmm, I’m liking where this is going,” Louis says with an evil smirk. “But how about we rev it up even more? What if we make Zayn and Liam engaged cause Zayn realizes he’s been in love with Liam all along and that’s the real reason he cheated on Niall, he was just too afraid to admit it to himself before. But then Liam also secretly slept with Niall on the side cause he felt guilty about what happened and didn’t know how else to make it up to him, but now he’s falling for Niall too and he wants the three of you to be in a polyamorous relationship.”

“Holy shit, yes,” Zayn says immediately.

“I love it,” Liam agrees, trying to tamp down a wicked grin.

And just like that a new plan is made.

**Author's Note:**

> Ending inspired by [these additions made to the initial tumblr post](https://yaz-the-spaz.tumblr.com/post/167668831573/iloveyouhaz-larrysafehaven-mysoniswoozi)
> 
> Comments and Kudos = LOVE :)


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